Change

Change.  Isn’t it funny how we fight change?  Yet change happens everyday.  Your cells age without you even knowing about it.  Then one day you look in the mirror and notice that funny looking mole or those crows feet.  Where the heck did they come from?

Resistance to change is futile.  It’s going to happen whether you like it or not.  In my life I’ve always been afraid of change.  Mostly because I know choices have consequences and I’m not a great choice maker.  I’m a better reactor than chooser.  Catastrophe’s I can handle.

This is probably why people think I am strong, I just handle it.  Trust me, it’s years of conditioning that you are seeing. I’m trying to reprogram my brain to not be conditioned and it’s really hard.

My awareness of my own change started the day I looked at the mountain and I saw it for the first time. Most of my friends thought I was trying to be funny  but I really only started seeing the cliffs, ravines, bumps and valleys in the last 18 months or so.  Someone asked me if I’d gotten new glasses and my response was “no, I have a new life”.

I look up now.  I look people in the face.  I speak to men without fear of being yelled at or accused of cheating.  I get to be me.  I didn’t realize I didn’t look at people until I was having a moment with Adam and I thought, “damn, his eyes are blue”.  People, I’ve known him for 5 years.  I should have noticed before now.

Today I mowed the lawn.  Big change for me.  I’ve mowed the front yard once since Jerry’s been gone; Lex had to finish because I thought my unfit behind was going to die.  Today, I did both front and back all alone by my little ol self.  Started the lawn mower and everything.  I got hot and sweaty but I didn’t think I was having a heart attack.  Go me!

I am lighter, more fit and have a higher muscle mass than I did 3 summers ago.  My cells are almost all replaced in the 7 years since I had T.  I am really a totally different person physically.  Ironic, that I look younger today than I did 5 year ago.  I’ll take it.

Mentally, I’m still a work in progress.  I probably always will be. You don’t live through trauma without having some scars but I am happy.  I see love in those blue eyes when I look into them.  I see admiration too.  No one knows me quite as well as Adam does and when he tells me he sees change I believe him.

This next year will bring more change into my world.  My boys are getting ready to live their own lives away from me.  While that makes me feel conflicted, I am ready to let them go do their thing.  Momma bird will still have a nest for them to visit.

Don’t fear change, embrace it.  Change is going to happen anyway so you might as well chose the change you can live with.