Growing

One of the hardest things for me to overcome has been the worry about what other people think. It has plagued me my entire life. I want to be liked, think everyone does. I made decisions in the past based on what other people would think. I lived in hell because that was easier than disappointing people.

Becoming a widow changed that.

I lost my husband in a way that holds such a negative stigma; suicide. All bets were off on being liked when he died. I knew I would be judged no matter what. People would think that he took is life because of me. Well, that is not true. But in our society truth isn’t what people want to hear.

My sons now tell me some of Jerry’s friends asked them horrible questions and made outrageous accusations about me that they felt they had to defend. One thing I didn’t appreciate until recently is that I was cocooned by so many people who didn’t tolerate shenanigans and didn’t allow what other people thought to filter to me. Jerry has been gone for two years and nine months. I’m just now learning of some of the BS that was said after he died.

While I don’t have to justfy anything I just want to set the record straight; I did not have an affair. Jerry took his life because he was slowly losing his mind and the ability to take care of his basic needs. My exhaustion in trying to hold it all together probably didn’t help as I didn’t realize how bad it was until he was gone.

We were broke. I spent every last dime I had on finding treatment for Jerry. I filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy 1 month before he died. We got to keep our house and our cars. Everything else was gone. Most people know I worked for everything we had. I literally started over when he died.

My sons and I were exhausted from being his caregivers. Those we trusted the most held us up. I will forever be grateful to Stetzon and Lex’s friends who came and got T to distract him. They didn’t have to do that. Some of those friends are still here helping us rebuild a family. Some of them faded away and that is perfectly alright. They were here for the season they were needed. I believe in angels on earth and that is what they were.

As for those who doubt my morals and integrity, you can think what you want. One day I hope people are brave enough to say the things they said to my sons to me. Until then, what you think is of no consequence to me.

My life is pretty dang awesome. I had to overcome a lot of negativity to get here. I’m going to enjoy it. Life is short. If you are like me and consumed with being liked, stop. Not everyone is going to like you and that is OK. Its not your problem, it is theirs.

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