I’m sitting in my living room this morning waiting for a dumpster to be delivered. I am contemplating my journey thus far. I am reminded of a conversation I had with my co-worker Israel a year after Jerry had died. Israel had taken my office before the year mark of Jerry’s death and as many of you know I had written, “Make Your Own Sunshine”‘ on my whiteboard the night Jerry died. I had asked Israel to leave it there and at the year anniversary I would come in and erase it.

As I was attempting to erase it, Israel gave me the very best moment. We cried together and then he said something profound.

“Even though you erased it, it is still there. Those words are still part of that whiteboard, you just can’t see them. That is how Jerry is in your life, you can’t see him physically but he is still part of your fabric of what makes you, you Rockz”.

I have remnants of Jerry everywhere.

Did you know the word remnant is a noun and an adjective? The definition of remnant is:

Noun -   A small remaining quantity of something 
Adjective -Remaining

He left a legacy of junk but he also left a legacy of love, support, courage, and family. I am waiting for a dumpster to come this morning because we knocked his beloved barn down yesterday. Jerry took great pride in his horses and his barn. He kept it pristine. Sadly, it went into disrepair after he died. To many remnants of what he was existed in the barn. It was hard for any of us to be out there for any length of time.

The barn, like my saying on the whiteboard is no longer there. But I’ve saved some pieces of the old one to go into the new one so parts of Jerry will remain. The new one will be Adam and Rockzann’s barn. Everything is slowly converting to either mine alone or mine with Adam. But the remnants of who we loved are still with us, they are what make us, well, US.

Some people believe I am erasing my past. I can’t erase it. It is what brought me to this space. I have embraced it. I am better for having gone through everything I have. I am grateful for my past just as I am grateful for today. I will fill the dumpster this weekend full of memories from that past.

I am continuing forward, it’s what I do.

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