Time

Within a few days of my husband dying I heard the Tracy Lawerence song, “Time Marches On”. The lyrics always stuck with Jerry as his dad was buried beneath a maple tree. I was struck by how people just kept living their lives like nothing major had happened to my family.

Fast forward three and a half years. Time has marched on in our lives. Sometimes it feels like Jerry was here yesterday and other days it feels like a lifetime ago. Our world is very different now. New relationships, new addresses, new cars, new lives.

When people die it is human nature to say how sorry you are for a loss or that time will heal the wound. One thing I know for sure is that time passes and within that passage of time our grief changes and the hurt of the loss isn’t as painful. That raw hurt dulls to a tolerable level but the grief of missing someone doesn’t really ever go away. You never know when it will surface either.

I was recently driving my son to school and recalled a memory from my childhood involving my great grandmother. Thanksgiving was her holiday. I could recall vivid memories of her formal room. It was just a bedroom that held her china cabinet and dining room table but to her it was where we got fancy as a family.

The sadness I feel of not being around her table is breathtaking. The grief of her being gone is still there. I was 27 when she died, the love I have for her has not faded. Time has not diminished how much I miss her. Time has increased the level of gratitude I have for being her great granddaughter and the lessons she has taught me.

As we were driving T said, “mom, are you crying”? Yes, son. I am crying. I am crying for that little girl who missed her Granny. I am crying for her daughter and granddaughter who tried to recreate her Thanksgiving but fell short. I am crying for the security I can’t give you and the memories you won’t ever know.

I recently became a grandmother. I have a granddaughter. She is beautiful, healthy and perfect. I was pretty mad at Jerry for leaving me to face grandparenthood without him. Time has not taken away the aggravation I often felt with him when he made me do things I didn’t want to do. When I met her, she has an angel kiss on her forehead. He was there, I just couldn’t see him.

Time marched on, our little boy became a dad. Lex’s daughter will be 25 when he’s 50 and I will be 75 God willing. My wish for my son and my granddaughter is that we use the time we are given to build memories. To love. To allow people into our lives to create that sense of security and family.

My Granny would be amazed at the legacy she has left behind. I know without a doubt she would have looked into Baby C’s sweet little face and as Granny could only say, “she’s a real beaut”. That she is Granny, that she is. We are back to 4 generations living at the same time. Time marches on…

Fiddle Dee Dee you can call me Granny Annie and she is as cute as can be!

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