On your mark…

When I was a kid we always started races with on, your mark, ready, set, go!!! I feel like I am in a big race right now. I am embarking on a new journey. I have sold my house and T and I are moving to a new state. All in the midst of a pandemic.

I am taking this risk for a couple of reasons. The pandemic made me slow down and spend time with T. I realized that I did not let this boy grieve. I just kept him marching in his routine and didn’t take time to allow him to climb in my lap and regroup. It certainly would have been easier with a 4 year old. But beginning in March of this year to May my gangly 8 year old would snuggle up to me and just let me hold him. We’d talk about life and memories. Anything that seemed troubling and we healed his heart.

I learned how to do virtual therapy sessions. T has been supported the entire time by excellent providers, counselors, and teachers. When he has needed to go back to explore these hard emotions these people have been there and have welcomed him with open arms. This time we went back to face our truth. T knew something bad had happened to his dad and he created a sinister story that made him afraid. Afraid of everything and everyone. He was angry. He was angry at me.

Telling an 8 year old the cold hard truth of how their father took his life was probably one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do. It even trumps telling my sons their dad was gone. I had to explain what suicide was and how some people would think badly of his dad and his choice. I made sure T knew the choice was his dads alone and no one else was to blame. I also let T know that we had forgiven his dad for making his decision. We were at peace.

Knowing my other boys were going to be upset that I didn’t include them was also hard. But when we were all together in June we had a meeting and talked it all out. In our family we lived with no secrets until Jerry died and then we kept a secret to protect an innocent boy. This was a burden to carry. I’m grateful we all know the truth.

After facing the truth the most amazing thing happened, T changed. His behavior changed, he wasn’t angry. He wasn’t afraid. He started trying new things and being brave. And then…

Adam came home one night and told me his job was ending as their contract wasn’t renewed BUT the company he worked for wanted to move him to Colorado. The offer they gave him was awesome. I knew I had a choice to make. It was not a hard decision, I’m supposed to be with Adam. I go where he goes. T will thrive in a new place where he doesn’t have constant reminders of his early years. In fact, the more we have removed from our home the better behaved he has become.

All of this is hard. I raised my boys here in this house. I have friends in my neighborhood, I know everyone. I’m going move to a place where I visited for 4 days, picked a house and have a friend in the real estate lady we are working with. It’s intimidating to say the least.

I do have a beautiful house waiting for me to turn it into a beautiful home. I have two boys who have never lived with their dad coming with me. I am excited for them to get to know their dad and experience stability and family life. I have one boy who has lived with Adam for 3 years and thinks of him like a dad but don’t mention that because we have a melt down if it comes up. I am going on this adventure to build onto my already eclectic and dysfunctional family. I am going to be the mom of 5 boys. 3 of my own and 2 that are a bonus. I am excited to see what the next 20 years brings. Heck, the next 6 months is going to be epic!

I really don’t think Colorado has any idea what’s coming…so ready, set…GO! Here we come!

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